Punny

[Paul]

I received the following email:

code:

Puns for Intellectuals 1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger." 2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world 3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much ... and naturally became the lesser of two weevils. 4. 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 5. A 3-legged dog walks into a old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novacain? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 8. A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptiian family and is named "Ahmal" the other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!" 9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt complled to buy from the friars, so he asked the Friars to cut down on the hours or closed down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. SO the florist hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed shop and said if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which gave him an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (that was my favorite one) 11. And finally, ... there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortuately... no pun in ten did!!!

[Maverick]

lol, cheesy yet sum are funny

[MihaiG]

incredible 8)

[Delos]

[sigh]

Thanks.

[Paul]

One of my personal favorites is still:

code:

A mastermind theif managed to break into the Louvre in broad daylight and steal several pieces of artwork. He escaped the vincinity using a getaway van. But the van stopped one block later, and he was apprehended. When asked how this happened, he replied: "I didn't have the Monet to buy DeGas to make the VanGogh"

[Maverick]

lammmmmmeeee

[Mazer]

9 and 10 were best.

[cycro1234]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

>2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
>The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

>3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

>4. Two peanuts walked down a dark alley, and one was a salted.

>5. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

>6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

>7 Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

>8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
>sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

>9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I
>was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said
>Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

>10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

>11. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

>12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

>13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

>15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
>high."

>16 A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>can't - I've cut off your arms!"

>17. I went to a seafood disco last week.. and pulled a mussel.

>18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
>the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

>20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Mazer]

11 and 20... had to read them twice but they powned.