Random Jokes thread

[Maverick]

One Stone.


This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.

After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and
there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he
made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from
exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant business.

Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after many years away.

Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her
all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow
Bird wouldn't die!



What is the moral of the story?
( You'll love this!!!!)







You can't kill two Birds with One Stone.




Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
>
>gold medal.
>
>Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him
>
>and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
>Russian.
>
>He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever
>you
>
>do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
>
>The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the
>
>American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for
>an
>
>opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the
>
>American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
>
>
>A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried
>
>his face in his hands -- he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch
>the
>
>ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the
>
>trainer raised his e ye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in
>
>the air.
>
>
>The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed
>
>on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
>
>
>The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
>
>alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
>ever
>
>done it before!"
>
>
>The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
>
>that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
>
>testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my
>
>last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
>
>just as hard as I could."
>
>
>"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"
>
>
>"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
>
>your own testicles


Subject: girls night out
>
> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been
> decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
>
> Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped
> in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
> she wouldtake off her panties and use them. Her friend however was
> wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin
> them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that
> was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After
> the girls did their business they continued the walk home.
>
> The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and
> said, "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no
> panties."
>
> "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card
> stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire
> Station. We will never forget you!"


STILL IN BED

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his
grandma,"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The
little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to
play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom
andDad?"
and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy
started to
giggle and he ate his lunch and went out toplay. Then the little boy
came in
for dinner and once again he asked is grandma "where's Mom and dad?"
and his
grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what
gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to
laugh! what is
going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came
into my
bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."


If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand
up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one
freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself.


A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting
to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
"Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"


Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off,
> > >so they went to the unemployment office.
> > >
> > >When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty
> > >Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."
> > >
> > >The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as
> > >"unskilled"
> > >
> > >labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
> > >
> > >Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he
> > >replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave
> Pedro
> > >$600 a week.
> > >
> > >When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into
> > >the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was
collecting double his pay.
> > >
> > >The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and
> > >diesel fitters are skilled labor."
> > >
> > >"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties,
> Pedro
> > >puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."

[Paul]

One day a man, lets call him Maverick, was lost in a forest.

Just as the day was ending, he spots a small house in a clearing.

Maverick goes up to the door and knocks, a small old chinese man walks down the stairs and opens the door.

Maverick: Could I please stay here for the night?

Old chinese man: You may stay here for the night, as long as you do not touch my daughter. If you do, I will inflict upon you the 3 ancient chinese tortures.

Maverick thought that if this old man is that old, his daughter must be old too.

At dinner the old man's daughter came down, Maverick saw that she was the hottest woman that he's ever seen (even hotter than Christina Aguelera)

After dinner, Maverick is restless in his room, he can't get that old man's daughter off of his mind.

So Maverick goes to the daughter's room and they have a hot steamy night (maverick will like this part).
*****INSERT HOT STEAMY NIGHT FILLER HERE********

*****END OF HOT STEAMY NIGHT*********

so when maverick got back to this room, satisfied. He thought "That old man can't possibly hurt me, and promptly fell asleep.

During the night, Maverick woke up to a pressure on his chest, he found that a rock was there. With a note attached to it: "Ancient Chinese Torture #1, heavy rock on chest"

Maverick thought "Pfft, this is it?" so he got up to the window and threw the rock out the window. Just then he notices a note attached to a string, attached to the rock, as it passed, he read "Ancient chinese torture # 2", rock tied to left testicle"...

Maverick is panicking now, he thought: "a few broken bones are better than my future fate", so he jumped out the window with the rock.

As he fell, he read a note on the wall as he passed "Ancient chinese torture #3, right testicle tied to bedpost."

****END OF STORY****
you guys can figure out the rest...
Maverick get that grimace off your face

[da_foz]

Thanks for that wrestling one, that was great lmao.

[jonos]

those were really good, haha.

[Paul]

I wonder why maverick hasn't commented on mine yet...

[da_foz]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he
was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit."
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

[jonos]

share your secret... where did you get these, my parents are loving them. ahaha

[da_foz]

I get stuff from other contacts. I have well over 1000 on my computer including some very funny pics. I have trouble finding stuff which I don't think will offend [too many people].

I can't seem to attach files in this forus so posting the pics would be rather hard.

[Maverick]

To attach an image, host your image on a site or www.uploadit.org and get the address for the pic then

[img]URL[/img]

[da_foz]

Thanks for that link!

[da_foz]

3 Reasons NOT to fall asleep at a party.

[jonos]

more more... we weant more!!!!

[da_foz]

jonos wrote:

more more... we weant more!!!!

Bit bits I want bits. That free site can only host 200kb. I need to keep signing up for accounts to put more up. Unless you want to hose pics for me. When I sign up for a web page I shall have plenty of web space, until then...they shall mostly be the written kind.

[da_foz]

[da_foz]

GOOD ALIBI
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45
zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy
says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended
after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says,
"It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name
because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed
the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.
At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands
in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story
and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor
asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands
it over and it is valid with the guys real name and
information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy
says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor
tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks
around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys
name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open
the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing
there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the
other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"