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da_foz




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:06 pm   Post subject: Random Jokes thread

Ok, forget the geek test, lets just get some jokes going. I figure I'm a good person to start it, what else would you expect from someone named Fozzy anyways?

My first one is computer related.



Why do n e r d s get Halloween and Christmas confused?


Because OCT31 = DEC25
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Maverick




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:15 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

This is spam but anywho.

What are are nuts on the wall called?
Walnuts

What are nuts on your chest called?
Chestnuts

What are nuts on your chin called?
Dick in your mouth.
jonos




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:53 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

man maverick that is awesome.

what car is hard to hit?
a dodge

why was the cow farmer always pissed off?
he had a beef

see im lame, im just waiting to become a lamer.
da_foz




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:56 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

I seem to have been moved. Oh well. Here is another.



A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough.. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" - Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" - Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut. - The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Bubble gum
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
da_foz




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:56 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

Oh, and one for all of you thinking of which university to go to.


How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Trick question; Ryerson isn't a real university.

How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* None, Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.

How many University of Toronto students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* None, Sudbury looks better in the dark.

How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuked
lightbulb, two to install it and one to write the computer program.

How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect Tommy
Hilfiger/L.L. Bean/Eddie Bauer outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did as
well as any Queen's student.

How many Windsor students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they
were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't go out.

How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, but she can't do it on Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.

How many University of Calgary students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Seven, one to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he
didn't screw it in upside down this time.

How many University of Alberta students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change it and the other to boast how it was so
"Indisputably Recognized" around the world.

How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Seven, one to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure.

How many Mt. Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.

How many University of Victoria students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
* None, lava lamps don't burn out man!

How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Four, one to do it and three to translate the instructions.

How many University of Saskatchewan students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
* One, there's nobody else around to do it.

How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair.

How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
* There's a university in Manitoba?

How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Three, one to take directions from the science student, the science
student, and one to philosophize about life as a lightbulb.

How many University of Ottawa students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, (s)he screws everything, why not a lightbulb?

How many Carleton University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to brag about how they did it
faster than the Ottawa U students did it.

How many Laval students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct.

How many United States University/College students does it take to
change a lightbulb?
* That depends; how much is the athletic scholarship worth?
Paul




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 10:12 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

If you like puns and know some art culture, you'll like this one, one of my all time favorite punny joke:

Art Theft

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Delos




PostPosted: Mon Mar 08, 2004 10:37 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

Art Theft, eh.

[sigh]

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
Maverick




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 3:50 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

Quote:
How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair.


asshole. Laurier isnt that small and my brother goes there.
PaddyLong




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:11 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

Maverick wrote:
Quote:
How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair.


asshole. Laurier isnt that small and my brother goes there.



uhh that's why it's a joke numb nuts Rolling Eyes

I thought those college/university ones were pretty damn good
Maverick




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:17 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

hey im aware. i just thought id defend it.
da_foz




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:56 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

Hey, I go to Queen's and I did not remove the Queen's one. I know some people who are like that, although most are not. I think on the whole they are well done and catch the stereotypes for each univerity fairly well.
da_foz




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:59 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

FAMOUS SEX QUOTES

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." -Drew Carey

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." -Rodney Daingerfield

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -George Burns

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." -Lynn Lavner
jonos




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:10 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

dude, those are awesome, we need some more university students...

a man walks into a gay bar, and needs a drink. the bartender says "we will not give you a drink unless you tell us the name of your meat and two veg and the reason why it is called that"

"but im not gay" replies the man.

"that doesn't matter" says the barman. "you see, maverick over there has named his lazy, because he needs a lot of help getting up. now with that example you have to name yours"

the name thought for a while and after a couple of minutes, replied:
"well, i think iwill call it secret"
the bar tender asks why
"well, because its strong enough for a man, but its made for a woman."

haha, thats awesome.
Paul




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:58 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

I think you've all heard this one b4...

jonos is skiing up a hill, but he can't seem to get up, so he pushes harder with the skiing sticks or whatever you call them...

finally tiring of exaustion, jonos collapses...

only to find that it was all a dream, and wake up with his hands soiled, sleeping in between Maverick and random***barguy, who are both sound asleep with smiles upon their faces...
zylum




PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2004 11:36 pm   Post subject: (No subject)

lol paul bian, that was pretty lame! lmao Surprised
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