Funny Quotes

[S_Grimm]

Just found these online. Thought they were funny.

http://www.geek24.com/g/2006/06/13/absolutely-hilarious-computer-quotes

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep" - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."


"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."


"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

?Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.? ? Michael Sinz

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."

"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end."


"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server
and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."


"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."


"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."

[S_Grimm]

A couple more.....

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. ~Doug Larson


If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That'll do them in. ~Author Unknown


The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. ~Author Unknown


Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. ~Author Unknown


To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. ~Farmer's Almanac, 1978


Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months. ~Clifford Stoll


User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." ~Dave Barry


Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. ~Edsger W. Dijkstra


Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. ~Joseph Campbell


Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living. ~Nicholas Negroponte


Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
~David Dixon, 1998, winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com


Computers, huh? I've heard it all boils down to just a bunch of ones and zeroes.... I don't know how that enables me to see naked women, but however it works, God bless you guys. ~From the television show King of Queens, spoken by the character Doug Heffernan


After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy. ~John Pierce


Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is. ~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top


But they are useless. They can only give you answers. ~Pablo Picasso, about computers


Computers have lots of memory but no imagination. ~Author Unknown


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
~Suzie Wagner, 1998


As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws. ~Scott Adams ("Dogbert")


If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. ~Scott Adams


Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes. ~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. ~Mitch Ratcliffe


Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? ~Author Unknown


Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. ~Andy Rooney


Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it. ~Author Unknown


Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. ~Jeff Pesis


I haven't lost my mind; I have a tape back-up somewhere. ~Author Unknown


I just wish my mouth had a backspace key. ~Author Unknown


Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working. ~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top


Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin. ~Robert A. Heinlein


If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. ~One of Murphy's Laws of Technology


If it draws blood, it's hardware. ~Author Unknown


In God we trust, all others we virus scan. ~Author Unknown


It's not computer literacy that we should be working on, but sort of human-literacy. Computers have to become human-literate. ~Nicholas P. Negroponte


Rebooting is a wonder drug - it fixes almost everything. ~Garrett Hazel, "Help Desk Blues," 2002


Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups. ~Author Unknown


Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all. ~John F. Kennedy


RAM disk is not an installation procedure. ~Author Unknown


The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. ~Author Unknown


The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec. ~Marcus Dolengo


The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. ~Eric Porterfield


Industry executives and analysts often mistakenly talk about strategy as if it were some kind of chess match. But in chess, you have just two opponents, each with identical resources, and with luck playing a minimal role. The real world is much more like a poker game, with multiple players trying to make the best of whatever hand fortune has dealt them. In our industry, Bill Gates owns the table until someone proves otherwise. ~David Moschella


Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
~Margaret Segall, 1998


The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim. ~Edsger W. Dijkstra


The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. ~Sydney J. Harris


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary and those who don't. ~Author Unknown


There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. ~Guy Almes


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
~Peter Rothman, 1998


Information technology and business are becoming inextricably interwoven. I don't think anybody can talk meaningfully about one without the talking about the other. ~Bill Gates


There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence. ~Jeremy S. Anderson


Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
~David Ansel, 1998


There is a computer disease that anybody who works with computers knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is that you 'play' with them! ~Richard P. Feynman


There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. ~J.H. Goldfuss


Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. ~Author Unknown


I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss. ~Dave Barry


A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
~David J. Liszewski, 1998


A user and his leisure time are soon parted. ~Author Unknown


Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. ~Author Unknown


At least my pencil never crashes! ~Author Unknown


There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
~Rahul Sonnad, 1998


DOS computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. ~Author Unknown


Home is where you hang your @. ~Author Unknown


To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
~Brian M. Porter, 1998


I wish life had an Undo function. ~Author Unknown


In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it. ~Author Unknown


In the old days, people robbed stagecoaches and knocked off armored trucks. Now they're knocking off servers. ~Richard Power


Mac users swear by their computers. PC users swear at their computers. ~Author Unknown


Macintosh - we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end. ~Douglas Adams


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. ~Werner von Braun


Microsoft, where quality is job 1.1. ~Author Unknown


Software is slowing faster than hardware is accelerating. ~Martin Reiser, quoted by Nicklaus Wirth, 1995, which spawned "Grove giveth, and Gates taketh away," author unknown, referring to CEOs of Intel and Microsoft


Some people can hack it, others can't. ~Author Unknown


The inside of a computer is as dumb as hell but it goes like mad! ~Richard Feynman


Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. ~Doug Gwyn


Unix is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity. ~Dennis Ritchie


Unix never says "please." ~Rob Pike


The Unix philosophy basically involves giving you just enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. ~Author Unknown


Unless in communicating with it one says exactly what one means, trouble is bound to result. ~Alan Turing, about computers


What boots up must come down. ~Author Unknown


Windows is just DOS in drag. ~Author Unknown


Computers must be female. No one but the creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. ~Author Unknown


Computers must be male. As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day. ~Author Unknown

[CannotFindSymbol]

I'll just leave this here:
"It is the computer programmer's objective to build programmers that are bigger, better, and more idiot proof. It is the universe's job to produce bigger and better idiots. The universe is winning." --Unknown.

[rdrake]

CannotFindSymbol @ Sat Jan 10, 2009 12:16 am wrote:

I'll just leave this here:
"It is the computer programmer's objective to build programmers that are bigger, better, and more idiot proof. It is the universe's job to produce bigger and better idiots. The universe is winning." --Unknown.

Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled