Computer Science Canada Random Jokes thread |
| Author: | da_foz [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:06 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Random Jokes thread |
Ok, forget the geek test, lets just get some jokes going. I figure I'm a good person to start it, what else would you expect from someone named Fozzy anyways? My first one is computer related. Why do n e r d s get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because OCT31 = DEC25 |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:15 pm ] |
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This is spam but anywho. What are are nuts on the wall called? Walnuts What are nuts on your chest called? Chestnuts What are nuts on your chin called? Dick in your mouth. |
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| Author: | jonos [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 4:53 pm ] |
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man maverick that is awesome. what car is hard to hit? a dodge why was the cow farmer always pissed off? he had a beef see im lame, im just waiting to become a lamer. |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:56 pm ] |
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I seem to have been moved. Oh well. Here is another. A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough.. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" - Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" - Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut. - The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Bubble gum Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 9:56 pm ] |
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Oh, and one for all of you thinking of which university to go to. How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Trick question; Ryerson isn't a real university. How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb? * None, Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity. How many University of Toronto students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Only one, but he gets six credits for it. How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb? * None, Sudbury looks better in the dark. How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb? * One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Five, one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it and one to write the computer program. How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Five, one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect Tommy Hilfiger/L.L. Bean/Eddie Bauer outfit to wear for the occasion. How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Two, one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did as well as any Queen's student. How many Windsor students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Two, one to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't go out. How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb? * One, but she can't do it on Thursday, Friday or Saturday night. How many University of Calgary students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Seven, one to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time. How many University of Alberta students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Two, one to change it and the other to boast how it was so "Indisputably Recognized" around the world. How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Seven, one to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure. How many Mt. Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Five, one to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it. How many University of Victoria students does it take to change a lightbulb? * None, lava lamps don't burn out man! How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Four, one to do it and three to translate the instructions. How many University of Saskatchewan students does it take to change a lightbulb? * One, there's nobody else around to do it. How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Five, they make it campus affair. How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a lightbulb? * There's a university in Manitoba? How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Three, one to take directions from the science student, the science student, and one to philosophize about life as a lightbulb. How many University of Ottawa students does it take to change a lightbulb? * One, (s)he screws everything, why not a lightbulb? How many Carleton University students does it take to change a lightbulb? * Two, one to change the bulb and one to brag about how they did it faster than the Ottawa U students did it. How many Laval students does it take to change a lightbulb? * One, but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct. How many United States University/College students does it take to change a lightbulb? * That depends; how much is the athletic scholarship worth? |
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| Author: | Paul [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 10:12 pm ] |
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If you like puns and know some art culture, you'll like this one, one of my all time favorite punny joke: Art Theft Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." |
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| Author: | Delos [ Mon Mar 08, 2004 10:37 pm ] |
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Art Theft, eh. [sigh] If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 3:50 pm ] |
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Quote: How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair. asshole. Laurier isnt that small and my brother goes there. |
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| Author: | PaddyLong [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:11 pm ] |
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Maverick wrote: Quote: How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair. asshole. Laurier isnt that small and my brother goes there. uhh that's why it's a joke numb nuts 
I thought those college/university ones were pretty damn good |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:17 pm ] |
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hey im aware. i just thought id defend it. |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:56 pm ] |
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Hey, I go to Queen's and I did not remove the Queen's one. I know some people who are like that, although most are not. I think on the whole they are well done and catch the stereotypes for each univerity fairly well. |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 9:59 pm ] |
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FAMOUS SEX QUOTES "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." -Steve Martin "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." -Drew Carey "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." -Woody Allen "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." -Rodney Daingerfield "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -George Burns "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." -Lynn Lavner |
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| Author: | jonos [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:10 pm ] |
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dude, those are awesome, we need some more university students... a man walks into a gay bar, and needs a drink. the bartender says "we will not give you a drink unless you tell us the name of your meat and two veg and the reason why it is called that" "but im not gay" replies the man. "that doesn't matter" says the barman. "you see, maverick over there has named his lazy, because he needs a lot of help getting up. now with that example you have to name yours" the name thought for a while and after a couple of minutes, replied: "well, i think iwill call it secret" the bar tender asks why "well, because its strong enough for a man, but its made for a woman." haha, thats awesome. |
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| Author: | Paul [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 10:58 pm ] |
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I think you've all heard this one b4... jonos is skiing up a hill, but he can't seem to get up, so he pushes harder with the skiing sticks or whatever you call them... finally tiring of exaustion, jonos collapses... only to find that it was all a dream, and wake up with his hands soiled, sleeping in between Maverick and random***barguy, who are both sound asleep with smiles upon their faces... |
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| Author: | zylum [ Tue Mar 09, 2004 11:36 pm ] |
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lol paul bian, that was pretty lame! lmao  |
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| Author: | jonos [ Wed Mar 10, 2004 8:10 am ] |
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i have a better lame one then that, worthy of my lamer status: paulbian and zylum walk into a bar, jonos ducks. ahaha, i pwn all of you biotahces |
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| Author: | zylum [ Wed Mar 10, 2004 9:29 pm ] |
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hey i have a joke!!! k... once upon a time, jonos walks into a bar because he has to take a mad sh!t... so he walks into a toilet stall in the bathroom at the back of the bar and unleashes a massive dump... after about 30 minutes of continuos shitting he realizes that there is no toilet paper!!! but there is a sign above the empty toilet paper roll that says: "wipe your dirty a$$ hole with you finger and then stick it in the hole here -> where a sexy chick will sensuosly lick it off" and the arrow pointed to a finger sized hole.... jonos is like "wow!!! this is the closest i'll ever get to sex!!" so he wipes his ass with his finger and puts his finger in the hole... all of a sudden some guy whacks his fingers with a hammer, and from all the pain jonos put his fingers in his mouth and sucked them....   
-zylum -_- |
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| Author: | jonos [ Wed Mar 10, 2004 9:47 pm ] |
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dude, that was awesome. im gonna repeat that... see...i have humility unlike you guys. this one made me laugh so damn hard: Tales From The Shire Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!" ----- 10 What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1? Bo Derek getting older... hehe ----- 10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again. ----- and the best one: ----- How do blondes' braincells die? Alone. hahahahaha |
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| Author: | Paul [ Wed Mar 10, 2004 10:28 pm ] |
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Martian Sex: A couple visits mars. They meet a martian couple and decides to talk about the difference between Humans and Martians. After a bit of talking, they found out they weren't all that different and quickly came upon the topic of sex. Discussing this, they decided to trade partners for a night. So the human woman goes with the martian man into bed. when the martian revealed himself, the woman says with despair "Why thats so short it won't even reach me." The martian man smiled and said "Pull on my ears and it shall grow". And it did. Then the woman said " But its so skinny it would never satisfy me." The martian guy said, slap my face and it will grow more." And so she did, and it grew to an enormous size, and they had a great night. The next morning when the human couple met up, the woman asked the man "I had a GREAT night, how did yours go?" The man replied " It was awful, she kept on slapping me and pinching my face" I had no idea martian sex was so horrible...   |
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| Author: | jonos [ Wed Mar 10, 2004 11:07 pm ] |
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very nice paulbian... kinky as hell |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Thu Mar 11, 2004 4:37 pm ] |
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Letters --------- Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? |
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| Author: | jonos [ Thu Mar 11, 2004 4:51 pm ] |
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yeah it is, i could read it find: what do you get when you cross a pig and a donkey. probably a farm |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Thu Mar 11, 2004 6:17 pm ] |
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da_foz wrote: Letters
--------- Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Thats an awesome one. It actually works! |
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| Author: | strife_8 [ Thu Mar 11, 2004 11:14 pm ] |
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da_foz wrote: Letters
--------- Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? damn.... thats wicked |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 12, 2004 10:45 am ] |
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In case you have not seen this one before... Subject: HOW COLD IS IT REALLY..? The Temperature Conversion Guide (degrees are in Fahrenheit): 50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens. 40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe. 35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down. 32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 20 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt. 15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming. Zero - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last BBQ before it gets cold. 10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles. 20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket. 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos. 60 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door. 80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps. 173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs. 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold'nuff for ya?" 500 below - Hell freezes over. The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Fri Mar 12, 2004 3:42 pm ] |
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Quote: 500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Sat Mar 13, 2004 10:56 am ] |
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A teacher asked her 2nd grade class to fill in the blanks. This is what they wrote: Better to be safe than......Punch a 5th grader Strike while the ..........Bug is close It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of....Termites You can lead a horse to water but........how? Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty No news is...............impossible A miss is as good as a.........Mr. If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning The pen is mightier than the............pigs An idle mind is...........The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's.........pollution Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents A penny saved is...............not much Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries You get out of something what you..see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way Laugh & the whole world laughs w/you,cry and....you have to blow your nose. |
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| Author: | Paul [ Sat Mar 13, 2004 8:49 pm ] |
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HAHAHA, I saw that on cityhumor.com b4, but its still funny... my favorite is: You can lead a horse to water.... but how? |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Sun Mar 14, 2004 5:30 pm ] |
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers." |
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| Author: | jonos [ Mon Mar 15, 2004 12:44 am ] |
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thats just sick man... im never going on a frickin ariplane in my life. |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Tue Mar 16, 2004 4:19 pm ] |
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One Stone. This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business. Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of the story? ( You'll love this!!!!) You can't kill two Birds with One Stone. Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic > >gold medal. > >Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him > >and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this >Russian. > >He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever >you > >do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" > >The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the > >American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for >an > >opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the > >American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. > > >A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried > >his face in his hands -- he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch >the > >ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the > >trainer raised his e ye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in > >the air. > > >The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed > >on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. > > >The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler > >alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has >ever > >done it before!" > > >The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in > >that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of > >testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my > >last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies > >just as hard as I could." > > >"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?" > > >"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite > >your own testicles Subject: girls night out > > Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been > decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. > > Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped > in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought > she wouldtake off her panties and use them. Her friend however was > wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin > them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that > was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After > the girls did their business they continued the walk home. > > The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and > said, "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no > panties." > > "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card > stuck between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire > Station. We will never forget you!" STILL IN BED A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma,"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom andDad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out toplay. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked is grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue." If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary to setup the password for him. The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said, "Penis." Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed it again. Then she hit enter. The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as a reaction from the computer's screen: "Password rejected. Reason: Too short" Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, > > >so they went to the unemployment office. > > > > > >When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty > > >Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." > > > > > >The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as > > >"unskilled" > > > > > >labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. > > > > > >Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he > > >replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave > Pedro > > >$600 a week. > > > > > >When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into > > >the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. > > > > > >The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and > > >diesel fitters are skilled labor." > > > > > >"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da panties, > Pedro > > >puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter." |
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| Author: | Paul [ Tue Mar 16, 2004 4:44 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Ancient Chinese Torture |
One day a man, lets call him Maverick, was lost in a forest. Just as the day was ending, he spots a small house in a clearing. Maverick goes up to the door and knocks, a small old chinese man walks down the stairs and opens the door. Maverick: Could I please stay here for the night? Old chinese man: You may stay here for the night, as long as you do not touch my daughter. If you do, I will inflict upon you the 3 ancient chinese tortures. Maverick thought that if this old man is that old, his daughter must be old too. At dinner the old man's daughter came down, Maverick saw that she was the hottest woman that he's ever seen (even hotter than Christina Aguelera) After dinner, Maverick is restless in his room, he can't get that old man's daughter off of his mind. So Maverick goes to the daughter's room and they have a hot steamy night (maverick will like this part). *****INSERT HOT STEAMY NIGHT FILLER HERE******** *****END OF HOT STEAMY NIGHT********* so when maverick got back to this room, satisfied. He thought "That old man can't possibly hurt me, and promptly fell asleep. During the night, Maverick woke up to a pressure on his chest, he found that a rock was there. With a note attached to it: "Ancient Chinese Torture #1, heavy rock on chest" Maverick thought "Pfft, this is it?" so he got up to the window and threw the rock out the window. Just then he notices a note attached to a string, attached to the rock, as it passed, he read "Ancient chinese torture # 2", rock tied to left testicle"... Maverick is panicking now, he thought: "a few broken bones are better than my future fate", so he jumped out the window with the rock. As he fell, he read a note on the wall as he passed "Ancient chinese torture #3, right testicle tied to bedpost." ****END OF STORY**** you guys can figure out the rest... Maverick get that grimace off your face  |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Tue Mar 16, 2004 11:10 pm ] |
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Thanks for that wrestling one, that was great lmao. |
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| Author: | jonos [ Wed Mar 17, 2004 4:30 pm ] |
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those were really good, haha. |
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| Author: | Paul [ Wed Mar 17, 2004 6:26 pm ] |
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I wonder why maverick hasn't commented on mine yet... |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Thu Mar 18, 2004 2:56 pm ] |
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A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit." 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" |
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| Author: | jonos [ Thu Mar 18, 2004 10:36 pm ] |
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share your secret... where did you get these, my parents are loving them. ahaha |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 12:41 am ] |
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I get stuff from other contacts. I have well over 1000 on my computer including some very funny pics. I have trouble finding stuff which I don't think will offend [too many people]. I can't seem to attach files in this forus so posting the pics would be rather hard. |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 2:56 pm ] |
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To attach an image, host your image on a site or www.uploadit.org and get the address for the pic then [img]URL[/img] |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 5:52 pm ] |
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Thanks for that link!  |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 6:00 pm ] |
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3 Reasons NOT to fall asleep at a party. 
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| Author: | jonos [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:40 pm ] |
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more more... we weant more!!!! |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 9:30 pm ] |
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jonos wrote: more more... we weant more!!!!
Bit bits I want bits. That free site can only host 200kb. I need to keep signing up for accounts to put more up. Unless you want to hose pics for me. When I sign up for a web page I shall have plenty of web space, until then...they shall mostly be the written kind. |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 9:33 pm ] |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Fri Mar 19, 2004 9:37 pm ] |
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GOOD ALIBI A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI." The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up. When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information. The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order. Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire. At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!" |
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| Author: | Paul [ Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:02 pm ] |
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da_foz wrote: count the black dots
uh... zero? I see none... |
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| Author: | da_foz [ Tue Mar 23, 2004 7:55 am ] |
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Paul Bian wrote: da_foz wrote: count the black dots
uh... zero? I see none... Works fine on my screen, are you using a laptop? It did not work so well on my friends laptop. Make sure you are looking at it straight on. |
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| Author: | Martin [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 3:03 pm ] |
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Freshman vs. Senior Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher." Senior: Calls the professor "Bob." Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away. Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually. Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are. Senior: Has 'own' personal workstation. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm Senior: Is proud of not *quite* failing his Complex Analysis midterm Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night Senior: Calls Domino's every other night Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class |
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| Author: | Martin [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 3:06 pm ] |
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You know you're a university student when 1. Going to the library is a social event. 2. You play the lottery to ensure housing, not win money. 3. No matter what ails you, the nurse can only give you generic non-aspirin. 4. You need a map to find your classroom. 5. You're grateful that the cafeteria labels the food. 6. It's not unusual to see four feet in the next shower stall. 7. You plan your schedule to have Fridays off. 8. You wear flip-flops in the shower, to avoid the mysterious creeping crud. 9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you after four months. 10. The word rush does not mean to be in a hurry. 11. You buy enough underwear to last five weeks so you do not have to wash your clothes often. 12. You're willing to pay extra for edible food. 13. You'll pay any sum of money to have a pizza delivered to your room at 2:00 a.m. 14. Out of sheer desperation, you attempt to cook a grilled cheese sandwich on an iron. 15. Standing in line for half an hour to get a bowl of corn flakes is worth the wait. 16. The same fish sticks that are served square on Tuesday are served round on Friday. 17. While your mother lectures you over the phone, you take notes. |
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| Author: | Paul [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 5:40 pm ] |
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Darkness wrote: 9. You pay outrageous prices for books that are worthless to you
after four months. Lol there are lots of technical books online to download, but they're probably not the right edition. But if your short on money, you should do what all my university friends do, buy books, photocopy all of the pages, use the calendars that the university gives you as bindings then return the books to the store. Its tedious, but alot of ppl do it |
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| Author: | jonos [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 5:43 pm ] |
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a joke from the reba show, a perfect example of the degeneration of weekly sitcoms: reba: you spent all your wedding money on a signed football for kevin other guy: BUT HE LOVED THAT FOOTBALL wow, im shocked out of my knickers "but he loved that football" **taped laughing ensues** dammit. |
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| Author: | Maverick [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 6:45 pm ] |
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^Worst joke ever. |
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| Author: | jonos [ Thu Mar 25, 2004 7:50 pm ] |
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yeah, it swas supposed to be, that was the point |
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